Good Morning all, I promised you that the next time I posted it would be my story. I was thinking about how much I should actually tell you because in the past I have been a very closed person. Closed? You question me. Well to all my close friends and family you would probably think this a complete lie! But I can assure you that although I am a very emotional being, I was never one to express how I was TRULY feeling. I considered myself a very good liar and one hell of an actress! Award winning actually.
I never allowed myself to expose the deepest darkest secrets that roamed my soul, that would be crazy wouldn’t it? Exposing myself so vulnerably to the whole world. Aren’t we all supposed to hide that sort of stuff so that we continue to look strong and in control of our lives, no matter what was happening to us? Well that was the old me, I’m tired of trying to please everyone with invalid ideas of what is expected of my beliefs and behaviours in this world.
Why should I pretend to be something I’m not any longer? I used to think that crying was a sign of weakness…NO, crying does not mean I am a weak individual but instead proves how strong and comfortable I am with my emotions and with myself.
So…What about proving that I am in total control of my life, that is something that is really important, right? Bahahaha! Now that was a lesson I learned hard, when things were completely raging out of my ability to control them, I felt like my mind was about to explode into a million pieces. Keeping up appearances had started to become a very hard task to maintain. Why do we allow emotions and thoughts to continuously harm us by bottling them up inside never allowing them to release? You do know that that is what we are supposed to do with our emotions…let them go! Feel them, acknowledge them and then release them. By holding on to them we are only hurting ourselves, creating conflict within us.
So here I go telling all, and although I’m not going to go into every detail, I will be honest.
My journey starts with my eldest son Jack who was three and a half years old when he passed away from brain cancer. The suffering and sheer pain that I experienced is nothing compared to that in which I witnessed Jack endure himself. I have never known a child, a human being, that could go through what he went through and continue to live life to it’s absolute fullest. It is something that continues to inspire my purpose in life EVERY…SINGLE…DAY!
Jack had a total of an eighteen month stint of chemotherapy, radiotherapy and chemotherapy again after his initial brain surgery to remove a tumour. Because of this initial surgery, Jack needed rehabilitation to learn to walk again and to use his right side of his body, he had facial paralysis of the right side of his face which caused him complications, while his left eye had become a lazy eye. Although this seems like it was enough for any one person to endure it was only the beginning of a long and heart breaking road.
Around six weeks after Jack had fully completed his eighteen months of treatment we were told that he had been one of eleven children that were overdosed on one particular chemotherapy drug throughout the whole of the treatment. The horrible complications that could occur because of this were explained to us. BUT…On exactly the same day, after an MRI, we were also told that Jack’s cancer had now metastasised all through his brain and spinal fluids. He was given a maximum of twelve weeks to live. This is a day that I will never forget, how does one process so much in just 24 hours? After searching long and hard for an answer to save him, my precious Jack passed away around four months later.
There is this numbness that overtakes your body when a tragedy occurs in your life, and at the time I embraced it. Two years after Jack passed the numbness disappeared and I realised that my body had decided, without my permission, that It was time to now deal with all the emotional baggage I had not yet dealt with. Instead I chose to ignore my body and pretend to be strong and in control, and NOT deal with it.
Over time I fought depression, anxiety, severe digestion issues, re-flux, constant dizziness, vertigo, tension headaches, facial pain, neck problems, back problems, ear and sinus problems, throat problems, numbness, twitches, unexplained weight loss, heart palpitations, heart attack symptoms and stroke symptoms. I went to a hospital emergency section twice and saw numerous different doctors, not to include specialists. They all told me I was perfectly fine except the one doctor that said ‘I could’ possibly have Gastritis. I went to naturopaths, massage therapists, chiropractors and even went on crazy natural therapies that I had discovered over the internet, which to this day scare me when I think about it. There was never any real diagnosis. I cried a lot when I was alone. Fear took over.
So what could I do? I did the only thing I could do, and that was to start trusting myself. Scary! I started a journey for me, but I had to first agree that I was worth the effort.You see that’s the hardest part, actually sourcing enough energy and courage to say, “Hey, I AM WORTH IT!” I had to step back and understand that my body was trying to tell me something, it was screaming out to me to finally recognise that I hadn’t been listening.
So I started listening.